2020: A Year In Review

Last year, I decided to reflect on what I had learned throughout 2019 so I wanted to look back on this year as well. Reading that post though, I have to laugh at the irony. I wished for 2020 to be the best year yet and oh boy, did the world have different plans in store!

Even though the entire world was at a standstill and continues to navigate this strenuous time, 2020 has actually been my best year for personal growth. I understand that I’m extremely fortunate to be where I am — I have a roof over my head, I can still afford groceries, take care of my pets, and laugh with my partner. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced moments of overwhelming anxiety. 2020 has been stressful.

I’ve worried about finances, workplace mental health, job availability (or lack of), and so many other things. It’s constant and unbearable, especially when I’m stuck at home not doing much. But, I honestly don’t want to be the type of person to dwell on these thoughts. Everyone copes differently and there just isn’t an ounce inside my body that wants to say “this year stank, it’s the worst, I can’t wait for it to be over, and so on.”

I just have to believe there’s a meaning for all of this. That the world needs to change for the better. And being better starts with small steps at home. I can’t say I know what the future holds, but I still can hope for the best!

Before I dive into what I learned this  year, I want to quickly review how I’ve applied last year’s lessons:

Be More Daring

Even though I’ve spent more days at home than outside, I’ve stuck to this idea. I’ve shot in places I never would have before, experimented with fashion, and in general have done more things that I have always wanted to try.

Love And Let GO

This lesson is for life. 2020 has truly opened my eyes to those toxic relationships that were still lingering around. Sometimes you don’t need closure and you just need to cut certain people out of your life. I still love extremely hard and probably always will. But I’m learning to protect my own mental health and values in the process.

Travel More

Yikes! This is tricky because when I think of travel, I think of going somewhere to relax and have fun. Somewhere that I can explore and enjoy the sights. However, I’ve actually discovered a lot of local spots that I would have never considered visiting before.

Experiment With Creativity

I rediscovered my passion for editing! One of my goals was to create more conceptual imagery and my imagination just exploded with all the time spent at home! I still want to work on a couple things, but I definitely discovered that I am more creative than I thought I was.

What 2020 Has Taught Me

As a lot of these lessons revolve around my own personal growth, they may be a little vague since I’m not ready to share everything in my life. However, I still hope that these lessons are helpful and for the purpose of reflection I just want to share my thoughts.

Mental Health Matters

I've always been a huge advocate for mental health, but sometimes I forget that my mental health matters too. I struggle with anxiety and depression and can often neglect taking my own advice. As much as I’ve tried to stay positive during quarantine, there have been times where I’ve felt utterly useless. But if I do too much, I also feel burnt out.

There really isn’t much I can do to change the situation considering we are in a worldwide crisis. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel this way, to try and not stress about uncontrollable factors. Lenny has even reminded me several times that being unemployed doesn’t mean that I am useless. I’m trying my best to untangle myself from hustle culture and extreme productivity. 

For years I’ve ignored my mental health in order to get good grades, find an “amazing” job, be a star employee and so on. This year has given me a lot of time to not stress about what others want, deadlines or perfection. 

Know Your Limits

I'm learning to stop when enough is enough and listen to my intuition. That doesn't mean I'm giving up. Instead, I'm giving myself the space to take a moment and breathe in order to consider if I want to continue with the activity or revisit it at another time.

It’s impossible to get satisfying results when there is too much pressure and clouded judgement. If I need a ten minute break, I let myself rest. If I no longer want to be in a certain place, I leave. And if I can’t handle something or if I need help, I let someone know. I’m not invincible and that’s okay.

Enjoy The Present

When am I ever going to have all this time to do what I want to do? To relax, spend time with loved ones, and just create the sake of creating! I can’t control the world, but I can still find moments of joy while I’m following all the safety guidelines.

To be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve truly enjoyed life. It’s hard to enjoy something when you’re plagued with annoying thoughts from a previous day or an uncomfortable situation. Now, I love the quiet moments, I take my time in the morning, and I indulge in video games without feeling guilty that XYZ needs to get done. Slowing down has given me a greater appreciation in every aspect of my life.

A Job Doesn't Define You

Your value and worth isn't determined by your job or your productivity. One day, Lenny told me that I don’t need a conventional job to provide value and that really resonated with me. Throughout my whole career I gave 200% and more, taking work home, non-stop talking about work related topics, always thinking about what needed to be done next. EXHAUSTING! 

I hated it and yet I couldn’t stop. I wanted to prove that I was doing a good job, even though I knew I was doing amazing work, yet I constantly felt like I was below average. Something like that really messes with your mind. 

At the end of the day, your boss, your co-workers, and your job do not define who you are as a person. You have to value and respect yourself with all that you are because no matter how hard you try, no one else is going to give you proper recognition unless they truly want to. 

Your Voice Matters

Speak up for what you believe in! I’ve had several friends push me to speak up for myself and I will forever be grateful for that as it is now a skill that I am constantly working on. I used to never defend myself or voice my opinion. People would walk all over me and I just had so much rage boiling inside, I didn’t know what to do. 

There are just certain things that can’t be left unsaid. Some people will disagree and others won’t be able to handle a different opinion, but I’d rather stick to my morals than let someone get away with thinking they can manipulate me however they want to. And if those people can’t at least respect what you have to say, you don’t need to be around them.

Healing Takes Time

I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever be fully healed. There have been moments where I thought I had moved on only to realize that the same unwanted memories keep reappearing. I am still working through a lot of trauma, but I have accepted what has happened.

I’m no longer mentally boxing up such thoughts and trying to bury them away. I know this is going to be a long process. When I catch myself hurting, I give myself space to feel whatever I’m feeling, but also accept that I can’t change the past. Those traumas don’t get to have control over me. Instead, I’m taking the time to do what’s best for me in order to live a happy life.

Inspiration Is Everywhere

For a long time I was stuck inside my own bubble, rarely breaking away from my comfort zone. However, the more I began to experiment, the more I became inspired by different factors. I found beauty in places I never wanted to explore, discovered new techniques right at home, and actually tried ideas that had the potential to fail. 

Inspiration can come from the most mundane places or objects. It’s important to have an open mind and view life as an extraordinary experience rather than a series of average events even if it’s just for a few minutes a day. 

Things don’t always go as planned and that’s okay! There is always something to learn every year and this year has given me the time to rediscover myself and grow. Wishing everyone the best as we head into a new year! May 2021 be a year of happiness and prosperity.